Share More Than Your Germs

When my wife Arielle and I were first married, she was working as a nurse at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York City.  One of the things she quickly sensitized me to was the importance of properly washing my hands.  Working in a hospital, she was uniquely aware of how germs spread and why handwashing is so important and while I obviously always washed my hands, cleanliness and hygiene in Yeshiva were, shall we say, sometimes negotiable.  Quickly, I got in the habit of singing the A,B,C’s while washing to ensure it was done properly and I became very aware of the presence of the germs around all us and how they are spread.

But, while we go to great lengths to ensure we don’t share the wrong things, it seems not enough time is spent making sure we share the right things. 

Twice, in this week’s Parsha, the Torah instructs the Jewish people to be an “Am Kadosh,” a holy nation. And yet, if you pay attention to the subtlety of the words that are found in the Torah, you’ll notice that there mandate appears elsewhere in the Torah, in Parshas Mishpatim, only in that case the Torah provides a different formulation: the instruction is not to be Kadosh, but rather to be “Anshei Kodesh.”

What is the difference between Kadosh and Kodesh?  Do they both simply mean that we should be holy? Why does the Torah sometimes tell us to be Kadosh and other times tell us to be Kodesh? The Meshech Chachma, Rav Meir Simcha of Dvinsk, suggests that “Kadosh” refers to a person’s individual obligation to become holy. I need to do things to improve and better myself and I have a personal religious obligation to become holy.  To be Kadosh is an obligation that is specific to me and is based on my own particular character DNA and personality. It is a mandate that is specific to my particular strengths and weaknesses. 

“Kodesh,” on the other hand, refers to a form of holiness that’s transferable from item to item or from person to person.  Kodesh means that my level of holiness, or lack thereof, doesn’t just affect me, but is shared with those around me.  It creates a social norm that influences my spouse, my children, my neighbors and my community.  While the Torah tells us we must be Kadosh, we must make ourselves holy, the Torah also reminds us that we are Kodesh, that we need to be cognizant of the fact that our actions also impact those around us.  My holiness affects your holiness as well. 

We generally talk about the negative side of peer pressure, but the Torah focuses on the positive side as well. It’s inevitable that the norms and behaviors of your friends and neighbors will significantly influence your decisions as well.  And so the Torah demands not only that we become holy, but, that we also become conscious of how our actions create social norms and impact others around us.  We are obligated to create an environment of positive peer pressure. Whether we realize it or not, the Torah wants us to be keenly aware that the impact of our actions is shared with the people around us.

Put in different terms, if you were choosing a sports team and could choose any player you want, your criteria wouldn’t simply be to choose the best player.  That player might perform well, but they might also create an environment in the clubhouse that’s detrimental.  Instead, my guess is that you would choose the best TEAM player.  You want a good player that also elevates their teammates’ level of play as well. You want a player who will not only excel, but behave and conduct himself in a way that inspires and motivates others to become better and to excel beyond their ordinary capabilities.  You would not just want someone who is Kadosh, but also someone who is Kodesh. 

Dan Ariely, a highly regarded behavioral economist and a contributor to the Wall Street Journal, was once asked:

My spouse and I live in a pretty 250-townhouse condo development, but we have a problem with people who don’t clean up after their dogs… Our condo fees pay someone big bucks to clean up after the dogs, and there’s a $50 fine when owners fail to clean up after their dogs. But you have to know who the dog owner is, catch him in the act, and report him to the condo corporation. This policy is not working. What can we do? 

Ariely’s answer was simple, but also accentuates many aspects of human behavior:

A great deal of research shows that what people do is less a function of what’s legal than of what they find socially acceptable—social norms. If dog owners see a lot of droppings around the condo area, they’ll find it perfectly acceptable to continue in this tradition, but they would feel guilty leaving doggy souvenirs behind if the grounds were pristine. Research on social norms tells us that violators are not only acting selfishly but are also making it more likely that others will follow their example. This means that you should work extra hard to establish a better standard of conduct—because once the social norm is set to clean up after the dogs, the good behavior will maintain itself.

As Ariely points out, so much of our lives are dictated by what’s socially acceptable and what’s not.   We might not like that idea; we believe our standards are governed by the rule of law, be it Halacha or the laws of our country and state. Nevertheless, if we appreciate that we are indeed influenced by societal standards, once we’re honest with ourselves and honest about our motivations, we can actually use it to our advantage.  We are all influenced by those around us, which means we are actively influencing others.  And so as we approach Elul, the season in which we begin to contemplate our lives and really focus on what we need to improve upon, part of this reflection can and should involve thinking about how those decisions impacts others. 

That is the difference between Kadosh and Kodesh. The Torah instructs us to be Anshei Kodesh, people who not only think about ourselves, but to also realize how much we impact each other. 

Nearly everything in our life is shared.  On social media our memories are being shared, our pictures are being shared and unfortunately, our germs are being shared as well. With that in mind, if we’re constantly sharing with each other, wouldn’t it be great if we all shared something that made us each better?  As we approach Elul, let’s create and share social norms where the phrase “everyone else is doing it” is a good thing. Let’s create an environment where the phrase “everyone else is doing it” makes us each feel compelled to strengthen our own level of observance and faith.