It's Your Move. Time to Make the Call

In April, a grandmother from England named Helen sparked a fierce online debate. The question was simple: Who is responsible for cultivating the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren? Is it the parents’ responsibility to initiate that relationship, or is it the grandparents’ responsibility to nourish the relationship with their grandchildren?

In a video she posted online, Helen was quite forceful in her opinion:

I think it’s the grandparents’ responsibility to always reach out, to be the one saying, “Can we help out with this? Can we come and visit? Can we take them there? Is there anything you’d like me to do? Do you need some support this week? Do you need some support next week?” I’m a devoted granny and I feel very strongly about this.

She then continued, doubling down:

Your children shouldn’t be the ones to facilitate that relationship; it’s up to the grandparents to do that. It’s your time to help your kids because it’s really difficult when their children are small and the help that you give them is so needed and it’s so appreciated.

Helen’s video received over 3 million views and more than 9,000 comments, with both grandparents and parents weighing in.

Many passionately agreed with Helen. One wrote:

If Grandparents can work out how to order expensive gadgets online, buy new cars and book holidays they are more than capable of picking up the phone and contacting the grandkids themselves.

Another commenter, herself a grandparent, wrote:

As a grandparent it is 100% on me to reach out to my adult kids as well my grandkids. My adult kids are in the busiest years of their lives, they don't need to worry about giving me attention. I made this decision years ago and have never regretted it. My kids appreciate it and we have a strong bond because of it.

As you might expect, plenty of people disagreed, with one “sandwich generation” commenter saying: “My husband and me should also put in the effort to visit his parents and also my parents. It goes both ways.” Perhaps the simplest response: “Two-way street… as every relationship is.”

I imagine that nobody reading this has any strong feelings about this debate; I know I certainly don’t! But whether or not we have an opinion about who should call Grandma, the debate raises a fascinating question: In any relationship, who should make the first move and who is responsible for initiating? It is a question that lies at the heart of Elul.

We find two seemingly conflicting verses in Shir Hashirim. One famously says, “Ani l’dodi v’dodi li, I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me.” Another says, “Dodi li v’ani lo, My beloved is to me and I am to Him.” Which comes first? Do we move toward Hashem, and He responds by moving toward us? Or does Hashem first reach out to us, and only then do we respond?

Rav Asher Weiss shlit”a points out that these conflicting pesukim mirror a conversation recorded in the Midrash. Klal Yisrael says to Hashem, "Master of the Universe, You must take the first step. 'Draw us close to You, [Hashem, and we will return].'" Hashem answers, "No, the first step must be yours. שובה אלי ואשובה אליכם - Return to Me and then I will return to you.”

We might imagine that our relationship with our Creator will be renewed only when Hashem reaches out first. Perhaps we wait for inspiration, for a feeling of closeness, or for some Divine signal that it is time to change. But Hashem tells us otherwise. The first move is ours. We need to take the step toward Him, and when we do, we discover that He is ready to meet us.

Rav Asher points out that this conversation manifests itself most acutely during the month of Elul. While it is true that “the King is in the field” and Hashem makes Himself more accessible to us during this auspicious month, it is we who must make the first effort.

The Mirdash concludes: “פִּתְחוּ לִי פֶּתַח אֶחָד שֶׁל תְּשׁוּבָה כְּחֻדָּהּ שֶׁל מַחַט, וַאֲנִי פּוֹתֵחַ לָכֶם פְּתָחִים שֶׁיִּהְיוּ עֲגָלוֹת וּקְרוֹנִיּוֹת נִכְנָסוֹת בּוֹ Open for Me an opening in your hearts no wider than the eye of a needle, and I shall open for you an opening wide enough for wagons and carts to drive through.”

That is the promise of Elul. We do not have to transform ourselves overnight and we do not have to become perfect. We simply have to make the first move.

What does the first step look like? Pick up the phone, send the message, make the apology, open the sefer, or add five minutes of learning. Take one small step toward Hashem. And then let Hashem do what He promises to do: turn our tiny opening into an opening wide enough for “wagons and carts” to drive through.

Maybe, however, there is something deeper we can learn from Helen, the grandmother from England. A relationship cannot always stand on principle or wait for the other person to make the first move. Sometimes, the person who cares most about the relationship has to pick up the phone.

And perhaps this applies not only to our relationship with Hashem, but to our relationships with one another. Is there someone we haven't spoken to because we're waiting for them to call first? Is there someone with whom there is tension because each side is waiting for the other to make the first move? Elul reminds us that we don't have to wait.

In Elul, Hashem is already waiting for us in the field. He is waiting for us to pick up the phone. Whether to Hashem or someone else, all we have to do is make the call.